When God Messes With You

God messes with you sometimes.

In August I quit my job.  Granted, I only worked a few hours a week but on our tight budget every little bit helps.  But after a long summer of thinking, praying, and talking it over with the hubby, we decided it was the right thing for me to do.

So I quit.  And as I thought about September, and the kids being in school, and having an empty house, I found myself wondering what in the world I was going to do with all that free time.  Now first off, I have to confess there has not been a whole lot of free time.  We are very active with Scouting and September has been crazy busy getting ready for a new year of Scouting.  Then there's been the project I've been trying to finish up at our church for the video booth.  And the kids are busy and so I've been doing my share of carpooling. And then there's this bloggy thing.

But there's been something even more important.  Everytime I would ask what I was going to do with all my 'free' time, a little voice would tickle my ear.

"Give it to me.", it would whisper.

Over and over again, I heard the same thing.

"Give it to me."

And so I have been.  Or at least I have been trying and I admit some days have been better than others.  I have been purposing to sit down with my cup of coffee/tea/Pepsi each morning and have a chat with my Father.  I have always tried to do this but this time it is different.  This time I have this sense of urgency in my soul.  This time I am hungry for something different.  And this time, I know God is doing something in me. 

And I am excited, curious...and terrified.

Because I have no idea where God is going with this or where he is taking me. And you could say I am one of those people who always likes to know what the plan is.  I am not big on surprises (unless they involve shopping and chocolate) and I don't like having to all of a sudden bob when when all along I've been planning to weave.  Change is hard.  Especially for first-born A-type personalities like me.

The other reason I am a little unsettled about this is that, for most of the month of September, I have been an emotional mess.  Normally it takes a good Hallmark commercial to get me going but lately it can be just about anything.

Cute puppy?  Tears.
Pink Mustang? Tears.
Free chocolate? Tears.
Talking to my massage therapist in Burger King about his favorite scripture verse?  Tears.
Driving down the road and enjoying the sunshine and blue skies? Tears.
Colin telling me "Thank you" for helping him clean his closet?  Big Tears.

Now before you get all worried about me, don't. I am fine. In fact, I am better than fine.  See, through all these tears I know that God is doing something in me - he is opening up something in my heart.  I can feel it. He is tearing down some walls that I put up, oh, who knows how long ago.  He is showing me the difference between being "tough" and being "brave".  He is challenging my faith in a way that will leave me changed forever.

And I am loving it - in a painful, getting-a-tooth-pulled kind of way.

Because I know that at the end of all this - whatever "this" is - I am going to be better off.  I am going to be freer and stronger and, yes, even braver.  And I want to be brave.  I so desperately, crazily want. to. be. brave.

God is at work in me.  And I trust him and know that when we open up our hearts to the King of the universe anything can happen.  And anything, in the hand of God, is a beautiful thing.

So if I run into you on the street and, in the middle of discussing our menu plan for the week, I start blubbering like a baby - that's ok.

It's just a God thing.

"Hear my voice when I call, LORD; be merciful to me and answer me.
My heart says of you, “Seek his face!” Your face, LORD, I will seek."
~ Psalm 27:8