September 6, 2011

Bad Choices

Sometimes you have to take your own advice.

Remember this girl:

This has been me lately.  Yeah.

Just call me Mrs. Grumpy Pants.

I am not sure what my problem is.  I haven't just been grumpy.

I've been restless.
I've been moody.
I've been angry.

And it ain't PMS.

Maybe it's all the changes we've been going through with school and sports starting.  Or it could be because, with my husband's encouragement, I quit my job with no idea what I'm going to do next (and now I'm feeling guilty for not making even the smallest contribution to our already tight - and getting tighter - budget.) Maybe it's because I feel like I wasted most of my summer doing...nothing.  At least nothing I really wanted to do. Maybe it's because I am 40+ years old and still trying to figure out what I want to do with my life. Bleh.

I do know that the feelings started creeping up on me a couple of weeks ago.  I could have taken the high road.  Or the better road.  Heck, I could've at least stayed ON the road.  But, noooo...

I chose to wallow in the muck and stink of my emotions.  I chose to give in to the restlessness and moodiness and anger.

In a nutshell, I realize, I forgot to choose joy.
I forgot to remember the great weekend we had meeting with and getting to know Miss Mairead at the end of June. And the great week we had with awesome son #1 before he had to report back to the USMC.

I forgot the Sunday afternoons getting sunburned while lounging by Pebble Beach with friends.

I forgot to thank God for the wonderful, miraculous blessing of a new better-than-I-ever-imagined-new-to-us-and-paid-for-with-CASH new car.

I forgot what a blast sons #2 & #3 had making new friends, discovering a love for running and spending just about every waking moment they could at the pool.

I forgot to reflect of the laughs and friendship shared with my friend, Katie, and 4 of her 6 amazing kids when they came to hang out with us the first week of August.

I let outward circumstances steal the peace and joy I found while spending 4 days listening to the waves at a lake resort.  In a cabin we were staying in for FREE - thanks to the generosity of a great Christian couple who had no way of knowing that without their gift we would have had NO vacation at all this summer.
And I forgot to remember that the Lord is my strength.  That I can't, and shouldn't even try, to do it on my own because it will just leave me...well, you know.  I forgot to turn to him first and not be distracted by the circumstances of this world and instead soak in the promises of His kingdom.
What I did do was let a bunch of small annoyances, irritations and frustrations take my joy.

Why, oh WHY, do I do these things?

But today is a new day.  And I have a little fresh perspective and new word from the Lord (because his mercies are new EVERY morning.  Thank you, Jesus!)

Oh, my situation hasn't changed but my attitude has.  And, so, I take a big breath and let out my anger.  I cry out to God with my frustration.  I let the tears of pain and confusion fall - freely and unhindered.
Hear my cry, O God;
   listen to my prayer.
 From the ends of the earth I call to you,
   I call as my heart grows faint;
   lead me to the rock that is higher than I.
For you have been my refuge,
   a strong tower against the foe.

- Psalm 61:1-3
And I start again.  Hopefully, this time I will take my own advice and not let my crankiness or anyone else's shape my day.  Crankiness is not a gift to be shared but instead it is a bad choice waiting to happen.  But I say (to myself) leave it right where you found it.  That's it - just. walk. away.

Good, girl.

Now have a joyful day.

Are you making good choices these days? Or have you accepted the crankiness gift and let it affect your attitudes and emotions? What other choices (good or bad) have you made lately and how are they affecting you and/or those around you?

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